Humaning Through Desire

My younger son wanted a puppy more than anything in the world.  He was very consistent over time with asking, begging, pleading…the desire didn’t dwindle for him.  It was almost three full years of him asking, and me saying it wasn’t quite the right time.  I wanted timing, resources, being ready myself, to all line up.

After all, getting the puppy wasn’t going to be just for him or for both kids…the puppy would be mine full time to take care of when the kids aren’t with me, which is roughly half the time…so I also had to make the conscious choice of opening up to the life changing event for myself.  I hadn’t had a pet in 7 years.

I was seeing Felix get a year older…then a year older…and into another year.  I thought about the load I would carry with me by NOT giving him the experience of a puppy in his life, and I really didn’t want to get into the “what if” category.  What if I just would have done it?  I weighed a lot of things, for a long time.  In the end, I didn’t do it for me.  I was fine being alone.  I did it for the kids.  I did it for Felix.

I wanted him to have what he so desperately wanted.  It happened that I was the person that could provide him with that…I had the ability to fulfill his biggest desire (at least at this point in his life).  I think it’s a wonderful thing for people to experience their desires.

Man oh man…the lit up expression on his face when I told him I decided that we would get a puppy.  The joy in going out and looking at different puppies in different places, and narrowing down which breed and gender we would choose.  The patience on top of that while I held out for a quality bred puppy, well cared for from birth, and how important it was to be a newly born puppy that an actual PUPPY experience would be had.

I saw one picture of the puppy labeled “Miss Red”, denoted by the color of her collar (as all new litters are arranged when being sold), and knew she was the one.  It was in her eyes.  A fluffy, white, English Cream Golden Retriever.  I showed the boys, and they were excited.  I scheduled a pick up date and time.

I had asked for their input on names, and contributed a few of a list I made myself.  We conferred for a bit, and eventually agreed upon my final choice of her first name, along with Felix’s final choice as her middle name, while Jasper’s choice could be a nickname or another name we call her.  Juno Ava Young she was to be.

When it came time, the boys and I traveled to pick Juno up.  It did not disappoint in any way.  She was a bouncy little furball the moment we saw her, and she immediately took to us.  Felix picked her up and just held her, in the cold weather that day…with such a deep smile.  He even climbed in the back of the truck with her and laid near and on her bed with her for a bulk of the trip home.

We have now had Juno for 9 months.  Juno bonded with both kids from the get-go, and is ALWAYS excited to look for them and jump on them.  I’m sure that excitement builds when they are not around.  You can feel the boys’ joy to have her in their lives, and how they’ve watched her grow from the size of a football to being almost as tall as Felix when she stands on her hind legs.  Felix said recently that he loves Juno more than anything in the world.

It’s a funny thing, this life…my life.  I can’t help but laugh.  I feel so, so, so, deeply happy to watch someone experience having something they’ve always wanted and desired.  I’m so happy that I can be part of that process.  It’s very real to feel that.  And then, beyond my control, I am simultaneously hit with a deep wave of sadness.  I have to step away sometimes, and other times it hits more appropriately when I’m alone…but the sadness hits, and the tears come.  It hits in the reality that I’m able to witness others realize their desires, and even participate in that process at times…yet I’ve been unable to realize my own desire, no matter what I’ve done or who I’ve grown to become.  It just hasn’t come for me.

I’ve gone through every level of emotions, every scenario, every question, every “why”.  My desire doesn’t involve just me, it involves the heart and soul of another, and I don’t have control over that.  I’ve contemplated whether I did something dastardly in a previous life and am paying a karmic price in this one…and the jury is still out on that.  Part of me wishes I knew “why” and “what” and how to get beyond it.  Long long ago, there was envy or jealousy that I felt when someone was able to realize their desires - especially if it was the same desire as mine - union with “their person”.  Those days passed.  It then shifted to real happiness for others, and it meant to me that I was in the space of the frequency I wanted to be in - the manifestation of desires and the resulting feelings.  Many of those days have now passed, too.

I came closing to giving up on my desire, and then letting go, and then watching it creep back in when glimpses happened, and then fall away again.

I have faith in love.  Faith in romance.  I see it all around.  I just don’t have any expectation or hope that it’s part of my plan anymore.  I’m 6 years deeply removed from any physical or sexual intimacy, any relationship or romance, any companionship of a partner.  No dates, nothing close to mutual interest between two people available for each other that would lead to spending any time together in exploration.  Just solitude.  Yes, by choice.  In these 6 years, I went from separation, to divorce, to processing that (think about how being in union for the long haul is all I ever wanted, and then coming to choosing divorce because it was right, can do a number on someone), to processing all that came before that and played its part in the unraveling, and taking time for self in healing and integrating (which is perpetual to begin with), to becoming very used to be alone, and being really clear about what I want as a result of all those contrasting experiences.

I don’t know how to be in a relationship anymore, and that’s exactly where I want to be.  I say that, because I wanted to be clear and removed from anything like any relationship I’ve ever been around or in.  A total reset.  A return to innocence.  I don’t want a normal, societal, templated relationship.  I’m far too gone for that.  I cannot live that.  I’m outside the box despite playing in the system, and there is no going back.  I have to be MET on my path, by someone who is on her path, where there is an understanding that this is what we are doing and being, mutually drawn together and wanting to be.  Pillars of light, where definition by societal standards have no value or meaning.  It’s mystical and magical, because that is what we are led from and into.  A sacred union in the most literal of senses. I have no interest in anything short of that.

These aren’t just words pulled from the bank of a wordsmith, attempting to create a sophisticated picture.  This is physical reality for me.  There are so many things in this world that are quite simply “no’s” for me.  These are not mental decisions that come up with a “no” - it’s internal lack of activation and decisiveness, and then moving along in another direction.  I yearn to experience “yes’es” in general.  I deeply feel, and I know what a “yes” feels like in the sea of all the “no’s”.  I don’t feel indifference or numbness, I feel it all, all the time.  When someone like me talks about wanting things like peace, harmony, mutual love, reciprocity, genuine connection, authenticity…understand what I must have experienced on the opposite end that led to those wants.

This world does indeed drag one down.  Some of us get to experience that contrast a lot more than others.  It’s a conundrum when you come to a place that letting go of your longest and yet last remaining desire exposes a valley of nothingness on the other side.  While there’s no expectation that the release of the desire will actually bring it to you, it’s still a feeling of transparency - literally, as in being see-through with no substance, becoming part of the paradoxical emptiness of consciousness - when you reach that point of holding on to nothing.

This is why I said there is no going back.

You’ve seen my writing, you know what comes through on love and romance and life and spirituality and consciousness.  You also see here more of the human side…what it feels like on a daily basis.  I’ll never be “normal”…I never was.  I don’t fit in…and don’t want to.  I have no defined place in this life that feels like “home”, yet I know all the places that are not for me.  Misunderstood, never “quite” related to.  Sometimes almost really seen, but never “had”.

I have to laugh…remember?  In the letting go processes, and the expanding into the nothingness realms, I *desired* more than ever before the fulfillment of purpose for being here.  If what I’ve gone through, and the constant keeping away of what I’ve desired, has led me to this vast…space…what am I here for?  What is bigger than the desire for sacred union, for me, in this incarnation, that I uniquely can carry out or be?  Was focusing on sacred union a distraction from this?  I didn’t stop questioning purpose in this entire incarnation - it has always run parallel to everything else - but before the practices of letting go, I most certainly would have just settled with anything I felt was sacred union and did whatever it took to keep that.

I’ve read and heard ideas that integrate both, such as meeting a woman in sacred union would activate things inside me to fulfill purpose that wouldn’t activate otherwise.  That feels mystical and fun, in thought.  I don’t know what is true in that.  One thing I do know, is that sacred union has been one of the very few things in this life that generates excitement in me, despite all the previous experiences, and despite letting go of it.  I know that it comes from a deep place when that is the case.

If I’m ever going to have it, I know I want crock pot love…that’s what I call it.  The kind where we both cross paths, calmly drop down into the broth of life, and slowly infuse our flavors together.  No rush, no running, savoring the experience and creating a hearty, soulful meal that we can both always turn to for nourishment and the enjoyment of each other.

There was no definitive time before re-entering relationships.  I knew I was in for a period of solitude…I’ve never been one to jump into something else when one ends, and I’ve never jumped into something else before an ending happened.  I’ve never understood either of those things…and I didn’t know how long the solitude would be.  Once you get past a certain point in solitude, things shift and change.  If you’ve been through it, you know.  You get to see what creeps up in triggering during the solitude, what grasps for affection and intimacy as it feels deprived, what the ego does to try to manage it all, and then the calming return.  You see how when people DO approach you flirtatiously or with interest, you no longer react from a place of desperation, or depravity, or yearning…but you observe with patience and feel the energy of what is before you.  You can tell when there are agendas, when there is manipulation, when there is sincerity, when there is authenticity.  You can tell when you’re being met, and when you’re being prompted to chase.  You can tell where there’s fear, and where there’s an open heart.  You can also feel, more importantly, where you stand in all of that, and how you want to respond.  Inside out first.  When there are no pedestals, and there is no chasing, you understand the energy before you and can feel when it’s mutual and when there is a pull on both sides, and you can witness the two come together in that, if it is to be.

That change after length in solitude…it does something.  People use so many cliché’s that get overlooked and taken for granted, but there’s a reality to things like “choose someone who adds to your peace”, or “pick partners based on purpose”.  When you’re in alignment, or focusing on it, there just isn’t anything there for anyone else who isn’t on that path…especially if what you desire is something long term.  And when this is the case, it’s really easy to see all the “no’s”.  I know I have no interest in casual, in flings, in “just for fun”.  Those feel more empty than the vast nothingness of consciousness, if that makes any sense.  You can also tell very easily if you deviate from that alignment yourself, in an attempt to taste the connection that isn’t for you, but you question if it is.  You feel it.  I had even gotten down to the point of saying that I would just like to experience in the physical, that soul connection depicted in the soul kiss picture I revere, before I pass on from this incarnation.

If you’ve been observant, then you’ve noticed that this isn’t just about relationships.  It mirrors life on Earth.  The old systematic and societal ways of doing things and being…doesn’t work.  Beyond myself, I think many want relationships that have no template, but intertwine at the soul and bloom into whatever they are meant to be - neither side feels restricted, they feel freedom in their choice to be in what they actually want.  I think many want to live a life beyond government and business and money as it exists now.

This is what I mean when I say I want a unicorn.  I will not find what I want in the system, and the system is everywhere.

And this is how it becomes easy to detach and let go of desires at the same time.

I’m a light for others…it’s in my design.  If I am to be nothing but an illumination for others so that they find their way, so be it.  I’ve been breaking molds in the family lineage, showing what isn’t going to happen anymore, and walking with caution into the unknown.  I understand the wounds of feeling not good enough, not wanted, not loved, needing to prove worth…that’s also up the line.  I will let go of every last drop of that, too.